


You're a Hard One To Let Go Of ('Cause We Never Had a Chance)

by ScienceOfficerWillowRosenberg (workaholicSlacker)



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Episode Related, Episode: s07e04 Help, F/F, Gen, Grief/Mourning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-08
Updated: 2017-01-08
Packaged: 2018-09-15 16:18:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9243716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/workaholicSlacker/pseuds/ScienceOfficerWillowRosenberg
Summary: Dawn had fallen for Cassie in the week she'd known her.  After her death, she needs someone to talk to.





	

**Author's Note:**

> So Dawn isn't out to Buffy in this solely because I was working off of the final scene of the episode. Also, in my timeline for gay!Dawn, she comes out to Buffy either in 'Older and Far Away,' or right after 'Him,' so I guess here we're going with the latter scenario.
> 
> The title is from 'Never Had a Chance' by The Dutchess and the Duke.

It was just supposed to be Dawn helping Buffy with a student.  Then that student had turned out to be Cassie.  She’d wanted to have her over and stay up too late, to play with those purple streaks in her hair, to hear her talk about the poets she liked even though Dawn knew nothing about poetry .  She knew everyone said that love at first sight wasn’t really love, but Dawn just knew about Cassie.

What she said that Thursday, unprompted, was, ‘You’ll meet a wonderful, strong girl, and you’ll make her so happy.’  Then she hugged her.  Dawn imagined holding her in place forever.  Maybe Cassie had said what she said because of precognition or maybe it was just something you say to make someone feel better.  Dawn didn’t care.  And right then, she didn’t want some girl in the future.  She wanted Cassie.

The stupid part, the really stupid part, was that it would be the wrong time to come out to Buffy, so of course all she could say was that Cassie was her friend.  Which, of course, she was.

She was slumped on the couch when Willow came over.

Dawn sighed. “I know, I know.  Bedtime.”

Willow touched her shoulder. “Dawnie, it’s not a school night.  I just thought you’d want to talk.”

“Is this the part where I act like I don’t have anything to talk about?”

“I put two and two together, with Cassie.”

Dawn started to sob.  She didn’t mean to, but it hit her all in a rush.

Willow hugged her. “I know.  I know.”

When Dawn could talk again, she said, “There was only one of her.  Those assholes--” she waited for Willow to reprimand her about language, but Willow didn’t say anything “--who wanted to sacrifice her--there’s a million guys just like that.  But there was only one of her.  It’s not fair.”

“You know, I said something a lot like that when I was all veiny.”

“So, what, you’re gonna tell me I’m wrong for feeling like that?”

“I...I don’t think so.  There’s the big metaphysics of it.  I’ve literally felt the world register a human death.   No soul can be replaced.  Not theirs either.  But, you know, you and me, we’re on a smaller scale than that.  We get up, and make breakfast, and we go to school or jobs, and we come home.   And that’s a little world of its own.  You didn’t see much of me, after Buffy, I mean, I tried to keep on a strong face.  Me and Tara.  But we felt a hole in our lives, just like you.” She sighed. “Goddess, I still sleep on the couch some days because sometimes I don’t want to wake up in that bed without Tara.”

Dawn sighed.  “I know how it feels, okay?  Mom was gone, and then Buffy was gone, and then Buffy was back, but Tara… These people should be here, you know?  Like, where the hell are they, do they just have to not be there for any of it ever again?”

Willow opened her mouth to speak, then closed it, then inhaled deeply.  She spoke hesitantly.  “People talk about, um, acceptance and about how life goes on, and, yeah, that’s really stupid.  It’s about--I mean I think it’s about--resolve.  It’s about making the decision that life is going to go on.  You know, to just...not totally shut down.”

“And you made it because I needed you to be there.  Well, who needs me?”  Dawn raised her voice.

“It’s not...I don’t think it’s about anyone else.”

“Then what?  That’s what the dead person would have wanted?”

“What else is there to do?”

Dawn took a tissue and blew her nose.

“Giles said, after mom, um, sort of the same thing,” she said, “He said that, in life, there was walking forward and there was stopping, but there wasn’t any going back.”

“He’d know.”

“Because of Ms. Calendar?”

“More than just her.  He doesn’t have a lot of old friends left.”

“Oh.”

“Kind of an occupational hazard.”

They were both silent for a while.

“I guess I’m the one who knew the dead kid this time, huh?”  Dawn was staring at her feet.

In Sunnydale, there was always a dead kid.  And the school did its memorial and everybody talked afterward about what they remembered.  Then you got used to their name being missing from the attendance list, and waited for the yearbook’s little  _ in memoriam _ section.  And then the next kid died and you did it all again.

Dawn sighed.  “I guess I’m the one who isn’t gonna be okay in a week.”

“Everyone gets a turn,” Willow said, brushing Dawn’s hair out of her face.

“I loved her, Willow.”

“I know.”

“Or, I mean, I could have.  If I had the chance.”

“I know.”

“But I didn’t get the chance and I never fell for a girl this hard and why did it have to be her and, and why do we even need hearts to live anyway?”

“I know.”

“I’ve had the death talk so many times, Willow.  I’m sixteen.  I just wanted to be sixteen and in love.”  Her voice was calmer now.  She stood up.  “I’m gonna get my sleeping bag, OK?  Don’t want to be alone.”  She paused  “And, um, thanks.”

“Of course, Dawnie.”

“I mean thanks for, you know...gay. I’m glad there’s someone, you know, in the family.  To talk to.”

Willow smiled.  “We gotta stick together, right?”

“Heartbroken lesbians unite!” said Dawn, halfheartedly punching a fist in the air.  She swore under her breath. “That’s not funny.”  Then she started to cry again.

Willow walked over to her.  And Dawn was crying and Willow was patting her back and why did this have to be so familiar?  It was so long ago that Ms. Calendar was gone all of a sudden, and mom took Dawn aside and gave her the talk. and made her come along to the memorial where Giles was drinking and Willow was all quiet and Buffy just seemed ashamed.  And then it happened again and again and again.

But this time it felt like Cassie was hers, and hers alone.  That thought made her cry more.  Willow just kept holding onto her.

When she regained composure, she felt a little embarrassed.  “There’s, um, gonna be a lot of that tonight.  This weekend.  This month, maybe.”

“I know,” said Willow, and held her tighter. “Goddess, do I know.”

“I know you know,” said Dawn.  “That’s why I keep you around.”


End file.
